Today we went to church… for the first time since we got back home. We have been home a month now. We have an amazing church family, we are completely loved…. and I have been hiding.

Now to be fair I have really been hiding from EVERYONE. Even my computer, but especially the Lord and when you go to church you often find him there… I really did not want to go. I did not want to sing, singing really brings down my guard the holy spirit really starts to dig at me when my guard is down. I did not want to be dug at. I wanted to be left alone.

But I live in the South now…. And we go to a Southern Baptist church. Baptist woman want to hug you, feed you, and make sure that you are “right” with the Lord (and that you are a member of the church). Woman in the South don’t leave you alone, they make sure that someone is right there by your side just in case you forget that you need an “extra” pair of big girl panties…

I have been having a hard time receiving the love, my defense has been very high. Not just because of the time we spent in the hospital. But so much more that has happened since we have been home. Life is messy, I just happen to have an exceptionally messy life. So much so that today at church…. I told you I went, I put on my big girl panties and went. The Lord was waiting… You see the message was about prayer, How are you praying, what are you praying for….

…doing what it is the Lord is calling you to do, ouch. this is where it gets complicated. You see the Lord has been calling me to do something for 16years. And for all 16 years I have been asking him to please stop calling and the call just gets Louder and Louder…  Just three weeks ago I shared with my Aunt that the Lord had been calling me and I had been basically placing him on call waiting and she said to me, what happens if he stops calling. And those words… Those words freaked me out.  What would happen? Would  he never talk to me again? Would he stop listing? How many people are praying for direction and can not hear.  He has been calling, I can hear him  and I have ask the Lord to stop… Yes Me! This is why I have not wanted to go to church. I knew he would be waiting. You see when you know that the Lord has a direct calling on your life and you are asking him to be quite. It is like you are cheating on your spouse. I am not kidding. I have been walking around for 16years feeling guilty. Like I have had something inside of me that just needed to get out. I have been holding him at arms link because I have felt like he has been calling the wrong person. So, What is he calling me to do? The Lord has been calling me to be a Chaplain since I was 14. He knows my family, I don’t have to introduce him, he has walked with me through out my life up to this point. He is still calling…. I don’t know how or why or even what my first next step is supposed to be. But my first one is to claim it.

I have been called to be a Chaplain and I am answering my Lord. I hear you Lord, and I am answering.
Please pray for me as I start my journey.