I wonder how many “hospital moms” or wives or friends are out there tonight? ( I know I totally sound like Delilah) But really for the last 10 years I have been a “hospital mom” and I have been an awesome one. I was created to be Minnie’s mommy. I was created to live the last 10 years battling in the hospital and the Lord made me perfectly for it. The thing is… She is better! PRAISE GOD!!! But who I have learned to be is lost. I know I am not alone. It might even be tabo to say it out load… but who am I now? I am sure there are many other “hospital moms” asking themselves the same question. When your child/husband/friend is sick you pour every ounce into helping them get better. But what happens when life is all better, or even worse what happen when life just moves on? You have to find a new normal… What is my new normal? I keep praying, I keep asking the Lord to show me who he wants me to be. Who am I NOW? I have learn so much I am sure it was for a purpose… But what? I am going to keep seeking God’s direction. I know he has plans for me… outside of the hospital. I hope I can listen to his mighty voice and follow.
Archive for December, 2011
Mirror Mirror on the wall… Who is the fairest of them all? Is it I? Do I look okay? Is my hair to frizzy? Are my hips to big? Are my legs to short? WHY? I ask myself this question!!! Why the heck do I care? As The new year is approaching, I want to be able to walk by the mirror and give it a wink. Not stand in front of every mirror or window or really anything that shows my reflecting yelling LIAR! I hate this person I have let myself become. I hate that for most of my life I have been on a diet. I am sick of being on a diet. I want to be good enough. I know that deep down somewhere is a confidant brave woman wanting out. Why do I demand on keeping her lock in daily torture of self hatred?
I have had an eating disorder since I was in jr. high. it started out innocent just because a coach told us we had to make the weight. As anyone who has an eating disorder knows it grows like an ugly monster. I have battled this monster and I am tired. I have gone from the extreme of not eating for weeks or the other extreme of throwing up everything I ate. I know that this is ugly I know that there are people starving, I understand… but I have never been able to actually admit it and move on. This is something that I have held close to my chest. I have not wanted to share because if I did I might really have to give it up. I want to be healthy… I want to be beautiful… Part of being healthy and beautiful to me is sharing and healing and moving on.
I am full of self doubt, I look around the world and I am not sure where my place is. I am choosing this year to be okay to be ME… Whom ever I am. I am tired of looking around and never finding myself…. You want to know why I can not find myself? I am not those other people. I have been with myself this whole time. I just have not taking time to get to know me.
These things I know to be true of me….
I love the Lord, I am a blessed wife and an awesome Mommy, I have crazy curly hair, tiny feet, a big big heart, I love to write, I love to create. I am disorganized clean freak. I am passionate.
This year I am making choices that are going to make a more awesome ME. I challenge you to think about something that you might want to choose to do to make a more awesome you. If we all do this we are going to create a whole new year of awesomeness! And together we are going to learn that you can not keep your awesomeness inside…
The previous two, the kids did about 20 takes each. This one was on the first shot, and… well, its a fun one, so it is what it is. 🙂