This week is national red ribbon week. I think it is great that we are encouraging our kids not to do drugs. The school gives the kids ribbons, they talk about not showing hate and not doing drugs. But it is also spirit week, so the school has the kids dress up in different things. Monday was school spirit shirt day, No big deal we already coughed up the money for “this years” school tee, so Monday was covered. Tuesday was sunglasses day I thought Awesome! I am sure we have two pairs of cool sunglasses around hear some where… Mommy pulled through! Tomorrow is hat day, Not just any hat day it is funny weird hat day. And the class that wears the most funny hats gets an extra recess. So important! Being the Awesome mommy that I am trying to be and remembering yesterday my kids get what every they ask for or don’t…. Oh I have so much to learn.( As I am writing this I am laughing at myself because I did not learn a damn thing yesterday with my kid needing to be humbled). Because today I spent the better part of my day going around looking for the coolest and cheapest funny hats. I picked the kids up from school and we went to one last store and found the “hats”! Thursday is wear red day, and Friday is collage tee day. And yes we will have the “right” outfit on even to the bows for both days. I might be crazy.

This is the problem, all day I was thinking the school spend more time on “red ribbon week” like “lets talk about drugs baby” then what the kids should wear for spirit week… or was it red ribbon week?

The thing is, is that the school did not ask me to be the crazy mom who feels “possessed” to make sure that her kids overly dressed for every stupid thing they throw my way. But for some reason I can not let it go. When do I become the mom that can let her kids roll out of bed throw clothes on eat a bowl of cereal and let them go to school. I feel like I will be a “bad” mommy if they do not have there hair done just right, the right outfit on, a hot breakfast, and see me up at the school all the time. I am a total head case. Okay taking a deep breath……….

I had what I thought was an amazing mommy moment with my son. I was sure I spoke wise wisdom in to his little mind that he would take with him and really Challenge him to change a behavior, that he had just accidentally let show.

What happened: Ty has been wanting a laptop, we do not think it is a great idea for him to have unsupervised computer time in his room, which is were he would want to be that the whole point of a laptop. When I told my son how his dad and I felt his chin started to quiver… This surprised me Ty is normally so level headed and when given the whole picture is very understandable. Not today… The reason, Ty has been telling his friends that he was going to get a lap-top. Och, he is embarrassed, he has been bragging and now he has to be humbled I think for his first time. what my mommy heart wants to do is run out today and buy that Damn lap-top so he feels no pain, no embarrassment. (stop, this is a learning point for him I know!)

But Remember how I told you I thought I had an amazing mommy moment, well I told him how he was so lucky to have parents who give him really everything. My kids have never gone without anything they have ever needed or wanted. My fault he was Bragging, probably…. Anyway I told him how he can not take any of this with him to heaven, on and on it was an awesome speech really! I asked him then if he was taking these books to school with him that he is so lucky (I should of said spoiled, but Remember I am trying to change) to rub in his friends face? He said well yes. I told him he needed to think about are conversation.

What Happened: We got to school at the awesome hour of 7:15 and went to the Library to see if any of the students were going to turn in there projects, more about that later. Minnie was doing her homework that yes I had all weekend to help her on and I failed to do so. Ty was checking out more books, he reads like a maniac!
It was time to send them to class so I went to hand him his backpack and what was in there? But all of those books….

He did not hear me?

This is what came to my mind. How many times does God teach me something with love and 10 minutes later I pick up my backpack and walk away doing what I want to anyway? I am 30 I am sure it has been hundreds. But still I need to be taught it again and again. And then I have to be humbled to the point that my knees are bleeding and I am broken at the foot of the cross.

Josh will speak to Ty when he gets home from school. My hope is that he gets it the second time. And he does not have to feel the pain from having to be humbled to the point of falling to his knees. But if he does I will be here to pick him up and dust him off.

It amazes me how today if I was not looking for this lesson I would of missed it. I just would of went through the day feeling like I failed my job as a mommy. So day 2 wow!

Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.

This has been the verse that I have held on to since the day I found out that my baby was “not perfect” yes I said it, I have moved on from that first thought but WOW! when I was looking at this little TV screen and I saw this Huge bump on my tiny baby I was shocked, horrified, and I could not believe that this image of what my little girl was going to be was just snatched away before she even got here.  Did I stop loving this little person who I was growing,  No… I was Changing each and every day while she was in me. The Lord was teaching me to be a Mommy soldier, going to battle with each and every appointment that we need to with doctors poking at my body with wonder at what was wrong with this little human. With them making guesses at who she would be when she was born and what to expect.  A wall was growing like a bunker around me I was wanting to not only save her from herself, but I did not want anyone to see that God gave her to the wrong Mommy.

The day came for her to enter this world, I remember it like yesterday… We were in this room that had a view of the whole city of Portland it was dark so the lights twinkled like diamonds. We had so many doctors in the room everyone wanted to see, as I was giving birth the doctor said you have to push she has to come… My last thought as she was coming into this world was she is safer where she is I don’t want to push, and at that moment was the first time I gave her over to the Lord.

Everything was different with her, she was a piece of heaven from the very start. I was different too, I let people hold her, I let a nurse take her and walk her around the halls the first night of her life. I was hiding my heart. The bunker was getting bigger. And then something changed in me with her, they needed to poke my baby they had to put her to sleep for a test, she looked dead my heart stopped… This is real, they put her in the NICU, I could not feed her, the nurses had to. They did her first surgery at one day old… I had a pastor ask me what do we do if she dies, I will never forget this… I said then we had one day with an Angel.

I learned  to be her advocated, I learned to fight for her life. I was blessed to build the best medical team possible. I was learning to be the Mommy that God was expecting me to be.  But I also learned to hide.  I need everyone to know that everything was going to be fine. That God would take care of her, because he I new that he would. But I was cracking up on the inside. Still today I look back and say no way did we go through that. It was like the Lord was protecting me from what was realing going on.  I think that maybe it was a blessing and a curse, my heart is healing from years of pain because right now we are on a mountain top.  We have been in the Valley for seven years, it is amazing, to look at our past and I am awe. But when I do I get so chocked up, I am praising the Lord for the perseverance that he has given Josh and I that we have made it to the mountain to together.  That we love each other so passionately and that we have held strong to each other and God through this time.

Our mountain top, You all know the middle of this story she had cancer she has had 50 surgeries, we have been in the Valley for seven years. But this last year we have spent on the Mountain top.  This last year has been the best of her life, we are so blessed.  It is amazing to watch her play, ride a bike, swim, she is Brilliant I am not just being a Mommy, I was just told this at a meeting held by the school. She has over come every obstacle that has been placed in fount of her with grace and Joy.  She is reading and writing, and is amazing at math.  She is the most talent artist.  I never could of dreamed this image of a “perfect baby” God molded and created something beyond my wildest dreams.  He has always has a perfect plan for her.

So I am going to praise him for his perfect plans. I am going to try to look at things from a different angle, from the people that he place in my life to the way he has made each and everyone of us. To the little things like being off schedule, five minutes can change your life. Trust me….